I write it. You read it. It gets your daughter pregnant.

Jan 3, 2010

So, God just sent me an E-Mail...

Dear Tony,

   As you well know, it has always been my unfortunate duty to issue bad news to all of my creations. And Tony, I have always liked you. I've reached out and personally intervened in your times of hardship before and given you hope and the tools needed to lift yourself out of despondency. It has been my joy in the past to do these things. But now, even though you and your family show promise and good will, it has become your time to be shit on.

   I know that this notice may seem a little late considering all that has happened to you in the recent weeks. Yes, it was my fault that your manager left work early on Christmas eve, which resulted in you not being able to make it to the bank before they closed, completely fucking up your surprise Christmas plans for your wife. I also infected you with the flu over your following three day vacation, further ruining Christmas for you. It was also my fault that your borrowed car will no longer start, and that the car that you actually own is in disrepair and just had the passenger window broken out. I also had a hand in your paycheck being garnished, but I can't take full credit on that one. If you weren't such ignorant bastard you may have been able to avoid that one.

   That's all I really have to fill you in on at this time. I mean, I know there is more shit on your plate than that, but you can expect a fax from Satan explaining all of that. He will go more into why you're fat and have bad teeth. I know that I have created a virtual shit storm for you, but that is life. If things were easy all of the time you wouldn't appreciate the good things in life or the beautiful world I have created for you. It was just your time to catch my shit. I hope it didn't taste too bad.



  1. I love it!! It really does seem like it could be legitimae!

  2. It's really not God's way to be so forthcoming to those whom upon he doth shiteth. That's how I could tell it was a fake. God would blame it on the fact that you looked at your home one last time before he destroyed the city in which you lived your entire life. He'd dare the devil to make you sick, and let him do it to you, just to see how you'd act. God is the kind of guy who demands that you kill your only child to prove your loyalty and right before you plunge the knife through your baby's heart God says, "Psyche! I was just fucking around. You don't have to kill your baby!" And God never has and never will, nay, is incapable of apologizing. God is infallible; perfect... he would never apologize to mere monkeys.

    I think the letter was written by Satan. I think Satan has gotten all the bad press but that's because God wrote the all the stories. God is like W.R. Hearst and Satan is like Orson Wells making the movie "Citizen God". Satan gave you knowledge and asked nothing in return. God damned you to eternal hell if you do not obey his every whim regardless of how much in contrary his whims are to the very nature which he imbibed in you. God gave you desires and set the rules in opposition to them. Think of this, God is the devil. God wrote the Bible as both a marketing ploy for his worship and misinformation campaign on Satan. Satan wasn't banished to earth of hell, he came here willingly to be rid of the tyrant of heaven and live among those whom he truly wishes to help.

    Of course, this is all speculation on my part. Pure fiction really as I do not believe that either the God or Satan of the Bible or the Torah or the Qur’an is real. But, my version makes as much sense as any I have read or heard.

  3. you see, god gets a lot of bad press because of that book. hes just an executive doing his job, man. its hard being at the top. when ever you shit it has to fall on somebody.